Dear Hot stuff,
For the things we could have been….
So I spent last night awake.
Like when you have a cold that you are getting over. At the bad stage when you cannot breathe through your nose and you have to be up coughing.
And I tortured myself over you.
I wanted you to be there with me, in the space of my feelings.
I realise, as I age, that I cannot make someone love me the way I want to be loved.
And that I need to let go of this place I am at. That this is the best it could ever get, with us.
Me being on the side of the fence that wants you, you on the other side, always lingering, not being able to cross over into where I am.
I want commitment, you smirk at the word, as if it were made of chains, eating into freedom and making us all zombies. There is only so much we can push this before we start to eat at each other at resentment. And I don’t want to lose you over something we cannot fix. Age has taught me that people don’t fix people. People fix themselves. By waking up to oil their wounds, faithfully, until they can let go of whatever beliefs held them back.
And I am learning that its okay to not be on the same page. In fact its the loop of life, we don’t always get what we want.
I am here, reeling from knowing you and thinking, my God, what a marvelous creation! To thinking, my word, this man would make a lovely friend, even if we are 50 and ageing. And maybe that’s how you know, when you want them to be happy, even when they are not yours. That’s how you know it stopped being about you.
This is for you. I need to go, deal with my heart. Heal the taste of what we could have been. Purge those dreams of dimpled kids and us hanging at family reunions sharing inside jokes. And fighting with you. Fighting with you has been one of the most mature interactions I ever had when I was angry.
And I pray you find what it is you are looking for. I hope you allow love when it is time, that you let it make you soft, even when you are afraid of vulnerability.
I hope you have someone to hold you when you feel afraid. I hope you feel loved in your life.
I hope you grow wings, and live life big.